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JSE Breaking a baiter
January 21, 2007 Edition 1
Among the comics I've surveyed, opinions on hecklers are divided into two main camps. The one side feels that hecklers are evil morons who deserve a kicking, while the other side believes hecklers are mindless idiots who deserve shooting.
Ever the peacemaker, I've been trying to reconcile both sides, but my contention that hecklers are evil, mindless, idiotic morons who deserve a kicking before they're shot isn't catching on as fast as I'd hoped.
Some would no doubt disagree with both camps. There are those who clearly feel that heckling is the epitome of comic repartee, the finishing blowtorch on the comedic crème brulee. They fondly imagine that a comic spends hours crafting the ultimate joke and then finishes, exhausted, in the wee hours of the morning, with the despairing cry, "This is almost perfect! All it needs is a foetid drunk yelling random syllables just before the punchline!" These people are hecklers.
Should you be one, know this: nobody in the room likes you. Oh, you might think they're all laughing with you instead of at you, but then, drunks usually do.
You are not exposing a comic's flaws to the delight of the crowd, you are annoying people who have paid money to listen to somebody else. Even your friends are embarrassed and hope you'll pass out.
There are many ways to deal with these sad wastes of DNA. Sometimes, if the drunk is male, you can simply ignore him and continue with your routine, a little louder. This technique never works on female drunks, however, as female drunks have their "pay attention to me" knobs turned up to 11. Ignoring them will merely cause them to expand the argument - and trust me, it's always an argument.
It's not a logical argument, of course, and has nothing to do with what you're actually talking about. After countless mango-kiwi-babalaas concoctions, Dipsomaniacal Daisy has merely heard a word she recognises, if not the point you were making, and now wants to explain why she disagrees with what you didn't say. Try to ignore her, and she is forced to make her claims again, only louder and in more detail. So you have to acknowledge her and try to shut her up.
There are techniques for this as well - like the friendly quip that gets a big laugh from the crowd and makes her feel included. It also works for guys, if ignoring them hasn't helped. However, this brings out the clingy instinct in some drunks; now they're your new best friend, and want to pause for a chat after every joke. You can also try the "getting to know you" route, where the heckler is engaged in friendly conversation and given a warm but firm reminder that you'd like to finish the set uninterrupted. But this approach is often too subtle for the sozzled brain.
That's when you have to resort to the unremitting insult - a snarled chunk of invective every time a heckler opens its mouth. If you do it right and vary your insults accordingly, the waves of laughter from everybody who is sick to death of the interruptions will hopefully gain you respite and allow you to finish your routine.
You'll be heartsore that the interference left it a crippled reflection of what you're really capable of, but at least you'll finish.
What you must never, ever do, however, is lose your temper. It is terrifically satisfying to be able to crouch on somebody's table 30cm from their ear, screaming invective through a microphone for three minutes without repeating a single swear word. Believe me, I have proved how satisfying that is on a number of occasions. But it also means your set is over - the crowd may be impressed that you shut the idiot up, but your friendly, funny-guy persona is shot to ribbons. It's not worth it.
And the same applies to other forms of entertainment, doesn't it, Herschelle? Don't get me wrong, mate - evil, mindless, idiotic morons still deserve a kicking. Nobody should have to put up with monkey noises from the uncouth, and I doubt Proteas fans think any less of you for snapping.
But it wasn't worth a two-Test ban, was it?
It's much sneakier to let the crowd know exactly who the culprits are, and hope that your outraged fans will give them a good seeing-to later in the car park. That works in comedy, too.
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